Over the past years, I have been struggling as a member of the Roman Catholic Church. I'm sure it's not only me who has been feeling lukewarm as a Catholic no matter how hard we try to be active in our spiritual life. It has been an internal battle for me to integrate my religion and my spirituality. In the first place, the whole world knows by now how flawed the Roman Catholic Church is:
money laundering in the Vatican Bank in 2010,
the cases of paedophilia or child molestation committed by a priest to an altar boy and the subsequent
white washing of the Vatican. These are world news. And then there's the never ending debate on the
RH Bill. In the local scene, as much as there are sincere efforts by some, if not many, to keep the Church a sanctuary for weary and lost souls (as it is supposed to be), I personally felt a sense of disgust over these news and my own judgmental mind hated Pharisaical quality among certain members of this religion.
Nonetheless, I considered myself albeit aloofly enlisted in the congregation. Yet, in my heart, I still sought Christ. I sought to know him. I gained insights while fighting off my displeasure towards holier-than-thou people, certain priests and some parts of the Church's system. Still, I had a gnawing feeling that there was something wrong with my aversion towards my religion. My strong feelings made me feel that I was moving farther away from God.
It so happened that a friend of mine has been inviting me to their church, a non-Catholic Christian denomination. She wooed me to attend their Sunday Service for two years, until finally I tried it out. Another friend of mine transferred to this church as well. The three of us would sometimes sit together in Sunday Service. I agreed with my second friend that the pastor's Sunday sharings were practical, friendly and spiritually uplifiting. The people at this church were nice, too. They were pleasant but not overbearing, but definitely not indifferent, bureaucratic and sometimes rude as some priests and lay servants in big parishes are. I attended my friends' church for about 7 months.
It was not without confusion that I went there, although I was also spiritually refreshed by the vigor and genuinity of the pastors and churchgoers. I always went home with something hanging at the back of my head. Was this the right church for me?
This January, I signed up for a day long retreat at the non-Catholic Church. The speakers were passionate in their service to Christ and were not ashamed to share how Christ has worked miracles in their lives.
It would have been all good until I answered a questionnaire on a spiritual self-evaluation. I was struck by the question in the field on worship. "Do you worship idols?" Multiple choice: a. buddhist idols b. fengshui c. the sto. nino (holy infant) d. mary. I prayed long and hard about this. I was struggling on this matter. The friend who invited me and I prayed for my clarity.
Then after many days of struggling and praying, it dawned upon me that my devotion to Holy Child is not a form of idolatry, because in fact, the Child Jesus is the same person who grew up to be Christ the Teacher, Christ Our Savior. In terms of my veneration
Mary and the saints, I do not consider them a form of idolatry either because I consider them my friends who serve as good examples in their obedience to the Lord, in the same way that my own friends who are still on this earth influence me in positive ways by living lives serving God in their own ways.
Pertaining now to the images that Catholics are "infamous" for, I also thought long and hard about this while attending the other church. I have a lot of images in my altar and I am not ashamed of this. I strongly believe that the statues that decorate my nook of worship is just the same as pictures of my loved ones which I hang on the wall or prop on my desk. The images are not my God but are mere representations of The One I worship, in the same way that when I look fondly to the picture of my late great-grandmother and say "I love you" to the picture I know she is not the picture. The picture is a mere representation of her, in the same way that images are not my God but are mere portrayals of Jesus and the saints.
It was not without sadness that I left the non-Catholic church. After all, I enjoyed my moments of worship with two of my good friends and I appreciated the overall camaraderie and sincerity within their church. But then, because God gave me the clarity I had prayed for, with more resolve than I have ever had, I went back to the Roman Catholic Church despite its imperfections.
I realized that although no religion (which is an organization) is perfect, I truly belong to the Catholic Church. A Church after all, as my friend's husband had wisely reminded me, is not the edifice, but the community of people worshipping God. As imperfect as the Catholic Church is and many of their own past transgressions make my stomach turn, it is still the Church that has called me. It is where I have grown, struggled, hated, loved and found peace. The people in it are mere humans like me, not infallible to emotional and mental disturbances, sadly some at the top of the parochial and even international hierarchy are, as my counselor had phrased, intellectual giants but emotional dwarves . But such is humanity at large, and the Roman Catholic Church is not spared from that sad reality. Still, it is where my heart is at peace.
I am glad to be reminded of what my Christian friend had said, "What is important is to have a personal relationship with Christ." And I believe Christ was with me all the way in my struggle, more than as a Roman Catholic, but mostly as first as his daughter, his follower, his friend.
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A note to my friends:
I thank my friends from the other church who have been supportive of me and who have been praying that I would have a real personal relationship with Christ. I thank them for their gracious acceptance of my decision of going back to where I came from. My worship in the Catholic Church is not dead, just as their worship at their church is alive. My daily encounter with Jesus has never been more dynamic and I credit my walk with my friends' at their church (I have learned so much in their Sunday Service) as well as the call back to the big world of the Roman Catholic Church. My friends, your prayers for me have been answered. Love to all!
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